


The Cuckoo's Dilemma

by UselessLilium (o0whitelily0o)



Series: Age Swap AU [1]
Category: Cardfight!! Vanguard
Genre: Abusive Parents, Age Swap, Depression, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-28
Updated: 2019-02-28
Packaged: 2019-11-06 19:25:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,045
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17945687
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/o0whitelily0o/pseuds/UselessLilium
Summary: Even illegitimate, the first born son has a claim to the title of heir. But any heir to the Onimaru family must be exemplary, and Kazuma finds himself stuck trying to prove his worth against his little brother, Kazumi.





	The Cuckoo's Dilemma

The first time you meet your little brother is deceptively simple. You just happen to see his mother carrying him about a week after he’s born, and you ask if you can see him. Your own mom frowns a bit, and tightens her hold on your hand. “Let’s not bother her, Kazuma-”

“No, no,” the older woman - who you still don’t know how to address - says, smiling and looking down on you, “I think your son ought to meet him.” Reluctantly, your mother lets go of you, and you take a couple of steps closer. 

His mother kneels down, and you don’t notice how she’s looking at you anymore. You’re too curious about the baby. “His name is ‘Kazumi’,” she tells you, as you look at the face peeking out from the blankets. He’s looking at you with big, gold eyes, a bit of light hair already grown. You don’t know much about babies, but you can’t stop marvelling at how little and fragile-looking he is. Almost like a doll. Your chest flutters a bit when you realize your names match.

“I hope your son will be a big brother worth aspiring to,” his mother says, while you catch her smiling up at your mom. She stiffens and then grabs your hand again, a little painfully.

“Come on, Kazuma,” she says, pulling you away from your little brother, “We’re very busy today.” You don’t try to protest, just look back over your shoulder as she leads you away. Kazumi’s still looking at you, watching you go.

 

* * *

 

It isn’t too long before you realize why your mom was so nervous that day. Why she’s been nervous every day since. You don’t always understand everything the adults say around you, but you understand this much: when you were his only son, your father needed you. With a second, one his real wife brought home, he might not anymore. 

You have to make sure you impress everyone, your mom tells you over and over. As long as you do everything right and don’t give anyone a reason to complain, you’ll both be able to stay. 

Most of the reasons ‘why’ you have to do this went over your head. At the time, you just wanted your mom to not be so scared, and your father to be happy with you. So you did what she asked and worked hard, every day. Studying and practicing for hours, far beyond what your kindergarten and then elementary school ever asked of you. 

Eventually, it paid off. You brought home awards and special certificates from your teachers for your studies and sports, offering each one to your father as proof of your efforts. If you did well enough, he’d accept it with a slight - and you’d like to think proud - smile, put it on a shelf, and tell you to keep working hard. 

Slowly, your mom began to relax a little again. It didn’t matter what anyone else said, she told you. As long as the head of the family approved of you, no one else would dare go against him, not even his wife. You tried to remember that when you heard the adults whispering about you and giving you dirty looks. They keep calling you an intruder. A thief. It isn’t fair, they say, for you to try and steal your little brother’s place like this.

Sometimes, you see him. Kazumi. But you never really try talking to him. You tell yourself you’re too busy to seek him out, mostly because you don’t want to admit you’re a little scared of him. For one thing, he always seems to be at his mother’s side, and  _ her  _ you really are scared of. She smiles and talks politely around you, but you can still feel how much she hates that you and your mom are here. And Kazumi himself is always so quiet, and you keep catching him staring at you with big, too-focused eyes. You mention it to your mom at one point, and with a small frown she tells you that Kazumi’s mother has probably told him all kind of terrible things about you. She wants the two of you gone, so she’s no doubt priming her own son to go after you once he’s old enough. 

When she tells you that, you ignore any lingering desire to try talking to him. Even though... it does make you sad, too. You don’t have any other siblings, and the few other children your age in this house avoid or make fun of you, like their parents do. It would have been nice, if you could have at least gotten along with your little brother.

 

* * *

 

On your tenth birthday, you’re surprised to find a small box left just outside your bedroom door. It’s wrapped a little clumsily, with too much tape, and there’s no note on it saying who it’s from. For a minute, you think about just throwing it out. It just feels too much like another stupid prank by one of the few other kids living here, and that’s not really how you want your birthday to start. But in the end, curiosity wins out, and you decide to at least open it to check.

To your surprise, it’s an actual present. A deck of cards, to be exact, that you vaguely recognize as being from a game called Vanguard you’ve noticed some kids your age playing. Thumbing through the set full of what looks like wizards and monsters, you try to figure out who might have left this for you. Not your mom - she wouldn’t leave a present laying around like that, she’d just give it to you. And she probably wouldn’t buy you a set of playing cards. Neither would your father. A couple of the servants like you and give you little things now and then, but this looks much pricier than anything you’ve gotten from them before. Besides, it doesn’t look like an adult wrapped it.

The more you think about who it’s most likely from, your heart starts to pound. You don’t know if you feel nervous or hopeful. But once you’re ready, you take the deck and head towards your little brother’s room. You manage to find him even sooner than that, sitting out on a veranda by himself. Good, that’s better. It feels a little more like you’re on neutral ground this way.

“Excuse me,” you call, and Kazumi flinches so badly at the sound, you’re worried for a second he’ll fall off the porch. But then he turns to you with wide eyes, and you notice he has some cards of his own spread out in front of him. You smile a little, feeling much more certain now, and walk towards him holding the deck up. “I found this outside my room earlier. Did you leave it there?”

He’s all stiff and rigid, but he nods very quickly at the question.

You kneel down in front of him, and try what you hope is a reassuring grin. “Thank you, then. It’s the first present I got today.” It seems to work. Slowly, your little brother starts to relax, and even manages a small smile back. You look at the cards in front of him and ask, “Do you like this game a lot?”

“Um. I haven’t... played it yet.” The admission seems to embarrass him, and he tries to pick up the cards while he talks, “But it always looks fun when my classmates play. I thought... maybe we could try it together. If you want.”

It’s strange to see him like this. Nervous, like you’re intimidating or something. It makes you feel guilty that you can’t agree to his offer that easily. “Well... I don’t really know much about this game either. And I’m not sure how much time I’ll have.” You can’t help but frown when you think about it. It’s already taking nearly all your free time to keep your grades a high as they are, not to mention all the extra projects you need to work on.

He’s young enough that you worry about dealing with a tantrum, but he just droops a little and nods. “Mm. Yeah, I know you always work really hard.”

The quiet way he just agrees makes you feel even more guilty. But you still can’t... quite forget your mom’s fears either. Or the tricks that some of the other kids have played on you, messing up your books or hiding your backpack. Maybe Kazumi’s just trying to mess with you so he can win, like his mother wants. Carefully, trying not to let your suspicion show, you say, “I was really surprised to get something from you all of a sudden. You’ve never done that before. And you even put this whole deck together, by yourself?”

“Well, um... actually the shop owner helped me with most of it.” He curls in on himself a little more, sounding ashamed for some reason. “But I heard- I heard Father say your birthday was soon, and when I saw Luard, I thought... I really, really wanted to give him to you.”

“Luard...” You look through the deck again, until you find the name and pull out a card with a wizard, one arm clawed and covered in scales. “Him?”

“Yeah,” Kazumi says, scooting a little closer to look at it too. “The owner, she told me all about him. He’s a Dragwizard who’s always studying magic. He’s really smart and strong, and keeps trying to do things everyone thinks is impossible.”

“Trying to do the impossible, huh?” You can’t help a sarcastic edge to you voice, not sure whether you should take that as a compliment or insult. 

But Kazumi wilts again, and starts looking more he does when you’ve seen him with his mother. “Sorry. I just...” His hands are tense little fists, and his shoulders are shaking. “I always see all your awards and stuff in Father’s room. And Mother keeps telling me everything you do, and that I’d have to work really, really hard to keep up with you.” He keeps trying to look up at you, but he can’t meet your eyes. “So, when I heard that about Luard, I thought... he reminded me of you. A lot.”

You’re still trying to figure out what to say to calm him down, when you pause and take a moment to think about what he’s telling you. You look at the card again, more closely this time. At the determined, almost cocky expression on Luard’s face. Is that how you look to him? 

“Sorry,” he says again, in a very quiet voice, “I didn’t mean to bother you.”

...What are you doing? He’s just a kid. No, more than that, he’s your little brother. Haven’t you hoped you could get along with him? Now that you’re finally talking to him, all you’ve done is make him feel like he’s done something wrong. Well, no more of that. “You’re not bothering me,” you say, and grin down at your little brother, “I was just really surprised about this, that’s all. I’m happy you gave me something, honest.” Kazumi looks up at you, looking almost stunned. You look back at the card and hold it up so he can see. “Besides, you’re right - he  _ does _ look really cool. You picked out a great card.”

For a few moments, he looks like he can’t believe what he’s hearing. Then he starts beaming, and says, with more excitement than you thought possible from him, “Yeah! He’s just like you, Nii-sama!”

The use of that honorific surprises you. Again, almost on reflex, you wonder if you’re still being made fun of. If he’s tricking you. If this is all some weird, elaborate joke you just haven’t reached the punchline for yet. But... he’s looking at you with such open admiration, and he was so upset when he thought you didn’t like the gift, it starts to sink in that he might really think that highly of you. 

“I don’t know how much time I’ll have to spare,” you tell him, “But when I do, I’ll come here and we can play. Is that okay?”

 

“Of course! Thank you so much.” He’s so happy, you think with some amusement, he looks like it’s his birthday, not yours. Your chest feels tight, caught somewhere between shame and gratitude. If that’s really how he thinks of you... you don’t even want to think about disappointing him.

 

* * *

 

It’s a relief to find that Vanguard itself is actually fun. Something that surprises you about it is how easy it is to think of the cards as their characters. As having personalities. It’s exciting, picturing your Dragwizards casting their spells, or the owls swooping over the fields to launch their attacks, or Luard transforming himself to gain the power he needs to win. Especially since Kazumi’s just as invested in his own cards - he calls each move he makes like they’re friends he’s cheering on to win. 

You’ve tried asking him why he chose his own clan a few times, but his answer is just “Because Shiranui’s so cool!” You don’t think he’s lying, exactly, but you get the feeling there’s a little more to it from how attached he is to all of them. A secret, you guess.

But enjoying it that much makes you feel weirdly guilty about adding it in to your otherwise endless schedule of studying, practicing, and preparing. Not helping is your mother when she starts to notice you’re visiting Kazumi. She never tells you not to, but she does start stressing how important it is you don’t let your grades slip whenever she sees you. 

It’s frustrating to hear over and over - does she really think you don’t know? You’re the one who has to keep facing your father. Who has to hold their breath every time he looks at your latest test score. Who has to brace themself whenever it’s less than perfect and listen to him lecture you about how the head of the family is supposed to act, that being lazy or sloppy is out of the question, that if you really wanted to do well you’d find a way to achieve it. And when the other adults hover outside the door, snickering if you get berated, you’re the one they’re laughing at.

You already know everyone’s waiting for you to fail. She doesn’t need to keep reminding you.

One day, you go out to the veranda and find it empty. It’s the first time he hasn’t been there waiting for you. If he’s busy, then you shouldn’t go wasting your time here. But... the thought of going back to your room just to read more boring books or go over your homework for the sixth or seventh time saps all the motivation right out of you. It won’t kill you to wait a few minutes, in case he shows up. 

So instead, you sit down on the edge of the porch, looking out at the backyard. It really is nice here. Peaceful. You can’t hear much noise from the rest of the house, just the gentle rustling of wind through the trees and bushes and a few bird calls. You let out a yawn, and lay back down on the floor, closing your eyes to listen better. Let your breathing even out, and just...

...

“Nii-sama?”

You jolt awake, looking around in confusion while your brain tries to catch back up on what’s going on. The sun is setting, you realize with a sinking feeling. You fell asleep and stayed here much, much longer than you planned to. 

Then you remember your little brother’s voice, and that he’s probably still here. Sure enough, he’s looking up at you with obvious concern. “Are you okay? You were making weird noises, like you were hurt...”

You take a few breaths, realizing now how fast your heart is racing. “Yeah,” you say, rubbing at your eyes, “Just... had a bad dream, I guess.”

“Oh... was it really scary?”

You smile a little at him. It’s hazy, but you’re pretty sure in involved being crushed between a pair of textbooks, and you can’t admit it was something that stupid. “Don’t worry, I can’t remember it well right now.”

He nods, and looks down for a couple of seconds. When he asks, “Do you have bad dreams a lot?”, he sounds almost hesitant.

It’s easy enough to laugh the question off. “Well, every now and then. Why, do you?” Kazumi doesn’t say anything to that, just keeps looking down with a guilty expression. That gives you pause, and you shift yourself so you’re facing him, and ask more seriously, “Kazumi, what’s wrong?”

For a second, you think he won’t answer that either. Then he asks, in a very quiet voice, “Do you... ever think Father’s scary?”

Your first impulse is to just say no. The idea of ever letting those words cross your lips is almost unthinkable. But... Kazumi looks almost sick, having asked that. It must not have been easy for him to say it either. So, quietly, like you’re afraid he’ll show up if you admit it, you say, “Sometimes.” Kazumi looks up at you, mouth parting a little. You smile, shrug your shoulders. “I mean, he’s really strict, right? Of course that’s scary.”

“Y-yeah... yeah! Even you think he’s like that then...” He lets out a big sigh that’s almost comical, if he didn’t look so honestly relieved. You realize with a start he’s even the verge of tears. “I- I have scary dreams about him sometimes, but when I told Mother, she got mad at me for being silly...”

“Well, she’s wrong. It’s not silly at all,” you say, trying to sound gentle, and reach over to ruffle his hair. He stiffens for a minute, but looks shy instead of uncomfortable and leans into the touch once he gets used to it. It almost feels like a shame when you pull your hand back. “Though you probably shouldn’t bring it up around the adults. He  _ is _ in charge here, after all.”

Kazumi nods seriously, like you’ve given him a duty. Then some worry starts to creep into his eyes, and he asks, “What about when you’re in charge?” You blink. ‘When’, he said. Not ‘if’. “Are you... gonna have to be scary like that?”

The question is enough of a surprise to give you pause. But as soon as it sinks in, you say flatly, “No way.” There’s nothing you’d hate more than turning out just like that. Silent and critical, never happy with anything, with a temper you can’t always predict. Kazumi still looks worried, though, so with a burst of inspiration, you grin and add, “And if I ever start to be, you can tell me. I promise, I’ll listen and get back on track.”

He blinks up at you with wide eyes, then slowly starts to smile in a way that seems both proud and shy. “Yeah, okay!” Then he sticks out his pinky, and with some amusement, you link yours with it. His eyes are practically sparkling when he says, “It’s a promise.”

 

* * *

 

After that, you give yourself more excuses to go see him. Usually you play at least a few games of Vanguard - he’s getting better, quickly enough to be impressive, but you’re still working hard to stay ahead - but other times you share a snack, or read together, or just talk. He’s always interested in anything you have to say, but it can really take some coaxing to get him to talk about himself.

When you were younger, you never wondered if he might be lonely too. But the more time you spend with him, the more you think he must be. When he talks about school, he doesn’t mention any friends. You’ve never seen him playing with the other relatives either. And when you’re all together for family meetings or events, he’s quiet and subdued, and always with his mother. You don’t think you’ve ever seen him smile when it isn’t just the two of you.

You worry about him, but you don’t know what to do to make it easier for him. It’s not like you get along with anyone else in this house either.

Then, one day, your father calls you to his room. In front of him are two sheets of paper. You sit down, and wait for him to explain.

“Kazuma,” he says, “Do you know what these are?”

You give them a quick look, not liking to take your eyes off him for long. “Tests?”

“Look closer.”

You do as you’re told, and without much surprise you recognize one as your own, from second grade. The other is an almost identical paper, only the questions are in a different order, and it’s one point higher. Kazumi’s name is at the top of it. Without another word, your father places another pair of papers in front of you. A pair of essays, another one of your old ones, and a new one of Kazumi’s. Kazumi scored three points higher than yours. And then, another piece of paper. The same commendation you got from your teacher for an extra credit project you’d worked on, but filled out for Kazumi.

“Your little brother has been doing very well in his classes lately,” your father says, simply. You don’t say anything, a chill freezing your throat shut. “Of course, a few examples alone won’t decide anything. But I hope you understand you can’t afford to be distracted.”

The scolding tone in his voice sparks your temper, even though you know it’s no use. “I’m not  _ distracted _ , I’m doing everything I can,” you mutter, knowing you sound petulant and hating it.

“ _ Are _ you?” He asks, in a cold way that silences you immediately, “Do you think I don’t know you keep running off to play when you could be working?”

Before you can think about what a bad idea it is, you start to say, “But so is Kazumi-!”

“Except he, clearly, can afford to,” your father says, tapping the pile of Kazumi’s assignments again. “If you’re really telling me you’ve reached the limit of your ability, then that does not bode well for your future.” You feel numb. If you weren’t sitting down, you’re sure you’d be shaking like a leaf. “So let’s try again, Kazuma. Tell me what you plan to do about this.”

You take a few breaths. You want so badly to yell at him that he’s not being fair. After all these years you’ve been working, he’s ready to throw you away just like that? But you grit your teeth, and bow your head, and just say, “I’ll work harder, Father.”

He gives you a slight nod. “See that you do.” And with that, you’re dismissed.

You don’t go see Kazumi for a few days after that, but in the end, you can’t stay away. It feels like you’re punishing him by avoiding him, and that’s not what you want to do. And if all you do is study, you wind up so bored and miserable you can barely focus anyway. And... besides, if he can play with you and still get grades like that, then you should be able to do that too. It’s what you’ll  _ need  _ to be able to do, if you want to be the head.

 

* * *

 

Your father never mentions Kazumi’s grades to you again. But from then on, whenever you brings in something to show him, he stopped saying anything at all. Even the rare smiles he used to give you have disappeared into stone. It’s worse than just being told you did something wrong, having to wonder every time if you’ve done enough, or if you’re just digging your own grave.

What you hate most is how it’s colored the time you spend with Kazumi now. Every second you’re with him, even when you’re having fun, a part of you still can’t help but think you’re wasting time. You could be working, securing your place, and instead you’re gambling just for a few minutes of fun. Being with him was the only time you really felt safe, and you’re losing that all because you can’t stop thinking and worrying every second.

Sometimes, you can feel your own fear dipping into anger. When you see him smiling at you so easily or asking to play just one more time, you want to yell at him to stop taking all of this so lightly. Doesn’t he understand that you could be kicked out any day? But you always bite your tongue, and remind yourself it’s not his fault. You’re the one who keeps deciding to come see him. And you’re the one who’s failing to achieve what he’s been able to pull off just fine. 

But you’re so tired. You work until you’re too exhausted to think straight, then you go see Kazumi to try and cheer up, only to make yourself sick with guilt and worry. You don’t know how much more of yourself you have to give until you’re finally safe here. Will they be satisfied once you’re in middle school? High school? When you’re an adult?

...Maybe this is what everyone meant all these years. Maybe this is just what happens when you try to force yourself somewhere you don’t belong. 

You try not to bother him with it, but you think Kazumi can tell, a little, that you’re unhappy. He’s pretty sensitive. He always asks if you’re alright, if there’s anything he can do to help. But what kind of answer can you give? ‘Stop doing so well at school to make me look better’? That’d be a terrible thing to say. And you know his mother’s hard on him when it comes to that, and he’s scared of your father too. Even if he did agree to sabotage himself for you, if won’t fix anything. He’ll just get hurt instead, and you can’t bear the thought. So you just smile and tell him you’re fine, and offer to play another round of Vanguard with him.

Except he’s gotten better at Vanguard too, over the last couple of years. It’s a pretty even match these days. Each fight is anyone’s game. You want to be proud of him when he wins - no, you  _ are _ proud, really - but every time it happens a voice whispers to you that it’s how everything’s going to turn out in the end. That you’re struggling so hard for nothing. For something you don’t have any right to.

Once you start thinking that way, it’s like a puzzle coming together. A picture you finally see in full. The real problem is that, from the start, you shouldn’t have been here. You’re an intruder, like everyone says. If it weren’t for you, then Kazumi would just take his place as the heir the way everyone else wants. He wouldn’t have to worry about everything the way you do - he’s already proven he’s more capable than you. And his mother wouldn’t have to push him to be better than you all the time, and your father wouldn’t have anyone to judge him against. It’s only because you’re here that they’re so strict with him. Because you took his role away from him.

Your hands pause in the middle of your move, your mind suddenly overwhelmed with futility. Even if you win, what’s the use? Is it worth all the years of making you both miserable it’s almost certain to cost? Who are you doing it for, anyway? Your mom? She’s not happy here either, she’s nervous all the time. Yourself? If you hate everything you have to do to succeed, how can you believe that being the head will be any better?

“Nii-sama?” Kazumi says, interrupting your thoughts even as they spiral relentlessly towards the realization that everything you’ve done, your whole life, has been completely and utterly pointless. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

“...Hey, Kazumi,” your mouth moves almost on its own, speaking before you even think about what you’re saying, “Why are we even doing this?”

Your little brother blinks up at you for a few seconds, brow creasing with concern. “Um. Are you bored? It’s... it’s okay, we can do something else. I don’t mind.”

Anger surges in you again, but this time you don’t manage to keep a lid on it. “Do you seriously not understand?” You snap, slamming your open palm down in the middle of the cards, “Everything, this whole time, has just been a complete waste-!” Then you look at him, see him flinch back with hurt, anxious eyes, and all that anger is doused immediately with regret. You mutter an apology and scoop your cards up quickly, hurrying out of the room before you screw up and hurt him again.

But that night, no matter what you do, you can’t absorb anything from your books. You can’t even make yourself pick up a pencil to write. You just sit at your desk, stare at the paper in front of you, and can’t find it in you to do a single thing with it.

 

* * *

 

Your grades slip. No, you gut them. You turn in blank papers and drag your feet on the sports fields and give the bare minimum in class. When you get home, you lay in bed and ignore your mom’s anxious pleas to work harder. You try to tell her you can’t keep doing this anymore, but she doesn’t listen. She just keeps insisting you can still turn this around if you just try. Try, try, try. That’s all she says, like a magic charm, until you finally yell at her that you’ve  _ been  _ trying, and it’s been making you miserable your whole life. 

That manages to get through, and she gives up on trying to convince you. Or talking to you at all.

Not long after that, the two of you are finally told to leave. You thought maybe it’d be a relief to be out of that house, but you soon find it’s nothing of the sort. The emptiness that’s made its home in you only increases. At least pleasing your father was some kind of goal, even if it was futile. Without even that, you don’t know what to do with yourself anymore. 

Your mother seems just as lost. She acts like she’s in a daze most of the time. You don’t know how to talk to her, or if you even should. She must be mad at you for ruining things like this. But you can’t apologize for it. The apartment your father oh-so-generously arranged for the two of you to live in is always quiet. You can’t stand it. And you don’t have anywhere to go to get away from it.

...You never went to see Kazumi again, after you yelled at him. He looked up to you so much, once you gave up, you just didn’t know how to face him. How to explain that you couldn’t keep going the way you were anymore. But... he has to know, now, that you’re nothing like what he thought. You aren’t special or strong or amazing, you’re just a failure and a intruder, and you couldn’t pull off the bluff forever.

It’s for the best, you remind yourself. He’ll get to be the next head, without any of the pressure you were under. His mother will be happy and nicer to him. Your father won’t compare the two of you anymore. It’s the best outcome for him. You bet in a few years, with everyone accepting and praising him, he won’t even think about the useless boy who pretended to be his brother anymore.

Probably, you shouldn’t have kept the deck he gave you. You thought about leaving it behind, or throwing it away, but in the end the best you could do was shove it into one of your new drawers and try not to think about it. ‘He’s just like you!’ Kazumi had said, and now you can’t even look at Luard without those words ringing painfully and sarcastically in your head.

You want to just forget. About him, about everything that happened. How much time and energy you wasted trying to be something you weren’t. In the end, that’s why you take the deck out again. To use it for something else and write over all the old memories somehow. You play against a few punks, who wind up impressed enough to ask you to join them. It keeps you out of the house, so you go along with whatever stupid ideas they come up with, which mostly involves fighting some weakling they dragged off the street and take the sap’s money when you win. 

Next thing you know, you get your ass kicked thanks to ‘your group’ trying to move in on some big shot’s territory. He finally says he’ll let you off the hook if you disband and join him instead. 

Years pass like that. You’re at home less and less. You forget when the last time you spoke to your mom was. You graduate high school by the skin of your teeth - even then, mostly just to avoid making your teachers feel they should get involved - and wind up doing little else but fight for your gang. Sometimes with cards, sometimes with fists. You barely feel a difference.

And still you can’t make yourself forget completely. You can’t. After all, you’re still using Luard, and every time you look at him you remember your little brother. His open admiration, his nervousness when you first talked to him, his joy at simply playing together. You wonder what he’d think, if he knew what you were using his gift to do. 

Well. It has been years. Maybe he wouldn’t care at all anymore.

You’re on your own one night. That’s nothing unusual. You try to be alone as much as possible. It’s not even really a surprise when you see a figure stepping out from the shadows - more than one guy’s tried to jump you like this - but you don’t recognize the blonde who appears from any old altercations. He smiles at you.

“Kazuma Shouji,” he says, spreading his arms out, “I’ve been waiting a long time to find you.”

You blink, but don’t move. Whatever he’s talking about, you can’t find it in you to care enough to worry. “Fine,” you say, “If you want to fight, let’s just make it quick.”

But he doesn’t react to your words at all, just puts a hand to his ear and closes his eyes. “Can’t you hear it? The connection binding your soul, the call of your other self.”

You shiver for a reason you can’t pinpoint, and then you blink your eyes and what little light was there vanishes. You look around, but your senses don’t register anything. It barely even feels like you’re standing on something. Then, just as suddenly as the darkness fell, he appears. Luard. He looks just like the illustration, down to every detail of his robes. The only thing different is his expression. There’s none of the determination you’ve grown used to seeing. He walks towards you slowly, lifts the brim of his hat, and then you can see clearly how empty his eyes are.

“You get it, right?” Luard says, starting to grin in a way that makes him look miserable, “I know you do. This whole world is nothing but pointless and unfair and cruel.”

You can’t speak, can’t refute him. Even when he puts his hands on either side of your face, even when you feel something wrapping around your legs, then your waist, then your arms. Something like fabric or ribbons, but too warm and solid for either. Even when you can’t move at all anymore, you still can’t find a word to argue against him. But then, you’re not really trying to. And Luard keeps grinning at you, hollow and somehow desperate. 

“We can do it. You and I. Let’s erase this whole pointless existence.” 

_ Look at that _ , you think, before you give up on even doing that. Your little brother turned out to be right after all. The two of you really are exactly alike.


End file.
